Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
