I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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