Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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