I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
