My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
