I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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