I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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