If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
