She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
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He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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