It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
