you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
