Pregnant stripper...not hot.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
