I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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