i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
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I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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