Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
