That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
