he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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