Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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