i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The ass gains better be worth it
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