Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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