that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
