I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
