dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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