drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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