Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
