I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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