I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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