I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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