I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
