Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
