he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
