We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
