I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
