we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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