Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
