I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
