God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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