dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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