sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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