please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
