You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
