Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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