walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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