Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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