he wants to bone in the snuggie
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
