I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think your dad took our porno
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
