My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
