Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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