i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
