I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
