you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize