I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
