Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
