when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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