Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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