Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
