I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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